Timber and Steel

Image Courtesy of The Beards

Interview originally published on Stars in the Attic

It has long been known that I, along with a growing number of likewise sensibly minded women in the world today, like our men with beards. There is something about a beard that defines and refines a man. And none can be more defined than these four lovely gents. Spreading the good bearded word to the nation, empowering men to give up the razors, to quit conforming to the ridiculous standards of clean-shavenness that a Bieber loving society has conditioned young men these days to follow. All hail The Beards!

Many moons ago, February 2011 to be more precise (see it here), I got to interview the legendary Facey McStubblington about the band, what they do, and why. This time I got to put my questions to the equally awesome Nathaniel Beard about their latest escapades and upcoming UK tour dates. Here’s how it went down:

Aiden L Quinn: So, it’s been a while since I last caught up with you, I hear you are going to the UK soon, tell me about that?

Nathaniel Beard: We’ll be playing songs about beards in London, Manchester, Leeds, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Cardiff, Portsmouth, Belfast and Dublin this December. We’re super excited to be coming back to the UK and Ireland, we were there earlier in the year and several people promised they’d grow beards, we’d be interested to see if they kept their word.

ALQ: Sticking with talk of the UK for a moment. The hot favourite to win The X-Factor UK this year is 20 year old Italian Andrea Faustini. He is the only contestant with a beard, do you think this improves his chances of winning?

NB: I’d go as far as to say that his beard will guarantee him victory. If the competition is being correctly and fairly judged, he will win. I assume shows of that calibre are correctly and fairly judged.

ALQ: Tell me about the latest album, what are your favourite tracks from it?

NB: It’s called The Beard Album and it’s our fourth beard-related concept album. It’s my favourite of all the albums we’ve recorded so far – it’s got a really good number of songs about beards on it – eleven. I think that like our beards, our albums keep getting better and longer. My favourite tracks from it are “I Like Beards”, “Touch Me in the Beard” and “There’s a Bearded Man Inside Me”.

ALQ: What kind of manly maintenance goes into maintaining a tip-top beard and what advice would you give to young men growing one today?

NB: Very little maintenance is required, just keep it washed and brush it every day. Growing facial hair is far less effort than continuously shaving it off. Speaking of which, I’d like to dispel the myth that shaving stimulates hair growth. It doesn’t. People just think that it does because a hair follicle is at its darkest at the tip, so as the beard regrows, as it inevitably will because it’s a beard and therefore cannot be stopped, it looks like it’s growing thickly – it’s not, it’s growing at the same speed. All that’s happened is you’ve shaved off your beard and now you look like a fool, which you are, because you shaved off your beard.

ALQ: You’ve been to the UK in the past, how do UK beards compare with Aussie beards?

NB: I don’t like to compare beards with other beards, I prefer to compare people with beards to people without beards, who I consider to be inferior.

ALQ: There has been a lot in the press condemning people with religious beards, do you have an opinion on this? have you had any negative comments from others regarding your own? how did you handle it?

NB: Yeah sure we get negative comments from people all the time. Just the other day a total stranger called me a “bearded piece of shit” and told me to “climb down off of his roof”. I don’t let that sort of thing bother me. Having a beard makes you pretty resilient. When people say things like that to me I generally just ignore them and stay on their roof.

ALQ: You have a song called “You Should Consider Having Sex with a Bearded Man”. How does a bearded lover differ to their non-bearded counterparts?

NB: Personally, I’ve only ever had bearded lovers so I couldn’t tell you, but I can only assume that a non-bearded lover would be a real let down.

ALQ: Seeing as Christmas is drawing near, have you decided what you want Santa to bring you yet?

NB: All I’d really like for Christmas is for bearded people everywhere to be extended rights not extended to those lacking a beard.

ALQ: What have been your favourite moments of this year so far?

NB: Recording The Beard Album was a really good experience – we had a rule that no-one without a beard was allowed in the studio, and we were forbidden from talking about any non-beard-related topics, by punishment of a public flaying. It was really fun. When it was all finished we held a massive party on this guy’s roof.

ALQ: Do you have anything exciting in the pipeline for next year?

NB: Ideally we’d like to implement a worldwide movement in which all people grow beards, put their differences aside and work together to make the world a better place. Failing that we’d like to record some new songs about beards and go on tour.

ALQ: Do you have a message for the people of the UK before you arrive for your gigs? what should they expect?

NB: I’d like to encourage as much pre-show beard growth as possible. If all you can manage is a scrappy, patchy, whispy beard – just remember that a scrappy, patchy, whispy beard is still a beard. All beards are equal in our eyes. Having said that we deplore stand-alone moustaches and consider anyone who has one to be sub-human.

For a full list of their tour dates, where to get tickets etc, check out The Beards’ website here