Image Courtesy of The Beards
Aviela Kraikos at Chords and Candles caught up with Facey McStubblington from Adelaide’s The Beards to ask him a series of beard related questions. She’s been kind enough to let us reprint the results. See the original interview here.
So it is no secret that I have a thing for beards, and to find a band called The Beards whose only aim in music is to spread the word that beards are bad-ass (in a good way), and to kick start a beard revolution had me like a little kid in anticipation for Christmas. The fact that I got to put my beard related questions to the awesome Facey McStubblington was pretty darn amazing, I still can’t stop giggling. Here’s what he had to say:
Aviela Krakos: A person once said that you can tell a lot about a man by his beard, what does your beard tell people about you?
Facey McStubblington: My beard tells people I’m a proud par-ginger man.
AK: Does having a beard give you special musical powers that will disappear when shaved off (ala Samson and Delilah)?
FM: It does, in that, if I shaved my beard off I would cease to exist, thus rendering me incapable of playing music.
AK: In The Twits by Roald Dahl, Mr Twit stores leftover food in his beard. What other uses do they have?
FM: Ah the genius of Roald Dahl, despite living the majority of his life as a beardless buffoon, he knew the benefits of a good beard. He only shaved so as not to jeopardise his childrens writing career. As you know most kids are afraid of beards because they are idiots. I like to keep other things in my beard as well as food, i.e. wallet, keys, change of clothes.
AK: Does your music sound better if the listener has a beard?
FM: Of course, when you have a beard all of your senses sharpen. In particular your sense of looking awesome.
AK: What advice would you give to the beardless population and to young guys growing their first beard that are being pressured into shaving by their family and peers?
FM: Stay strong young people!!! Those who seek to keep you shaven do so only out of
fear of how much better than them you’ll become with a beard.
AK: The amount of time an average man spends shaving is 3350 hours. What do you do with all that spare time not shaving?
FM: I masturbate while watching Chuck Norris films.
AK: Do your beards restrict you from learning chin and mouth related instruments like the Violin or Jaw-harp?
FM: I don’t care fore those instruments, or music in general for that matter. We, The Beards, are only a musical group for the purposes of spreading the good bearded word.
AK: Who are your bearded heroes?
FM: Gandalph the Grey and White, Kenny Rogers, Jesus, Charles Darwin and Osama Bin Laden.
AK: Do you find, since growing your beard that you appeal to a wider female audience? What do you think women like about beards?
FM: No. Like children, women in general are idiots. They largely do not like beards and as a result we do not like them. There are exceptions to this rule however, and the women that do like beards obviously do so out of pure instinct for the man they’ve been conditioned to be attracted to throughout years of evolution.
AK: Is there a way that your beards could be used musically – say a a percussion instrument when it’s scratched on a microphone?
FM: Yes. We call it scratching. No one’s ever done it before so shut up about it.
AK: Do you guys have day jobs, and If yes what are they, that allow you to grow such amazing specimens of beardage?
FM: We all have day jobs yes. Without getting into specifics, we were offered the highest responsibilities in all our respective proffesions because no-one without a beard would dare call themselves our boss.
AK: How would you rate bearded folk musos Marcus Bonfanti, Sam Beer and Pete Roe each for effort, manliness and overall impact/appearance?
FM: These men are all extremely attractive. They all receive 10 points for all categories because thy have beards. There are no losers when you have a beard, just unemployed people. In fact, these men are so attractive, I need some alone time. Good day!